before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
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Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying