WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
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Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
happy friday
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.