4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
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A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I’m listening
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?