CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
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Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.