“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
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Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?