“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
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guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?