Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
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The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back