I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
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Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Morning.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.