Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
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[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Meow
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.