Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
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Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.