My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
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When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
new year update: losing everything but weight
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.