Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
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A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Cause of death: Zumba
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–