I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
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The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome