In space, no one can hear…
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If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Oops I deleted….
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no