Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
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I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
☺️
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
this makes me so uncomfortable
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.