*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
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Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’