When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
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“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster