Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
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Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
i wish we could shoplift online
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!