Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
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Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
You deplete me
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home