so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
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Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.