I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
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Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Actually cracking up @ this
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
When you’ve simply given up.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
How your email finds me
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field