At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
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[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Rt to bother an English speaker
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?