I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
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If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Guys, I found it.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!