God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
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Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.