Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
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7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
absolutely not
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
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