Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
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I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.