How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
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So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Current mood: Potato
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm