[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
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love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me