If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
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Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
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this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
God has abandoned us.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.