I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
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They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese