Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
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Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Looking at you, Jesus.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips