How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
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The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
The asteroid..
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
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Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup