I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
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[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?