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i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.