I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
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Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?