I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
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Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
just left a huge legacy in there
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog