I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
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H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.