“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
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Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
☠️☠️☠️
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.