If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
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‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?