Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
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Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow