I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
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her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.