Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
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How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
quarantine day 3
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices