Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
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Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.