Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
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Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.