Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
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My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
My dog ate my work from home.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.