Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
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[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.