Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
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A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
My plans: 2020:
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Autocarrot sucks!
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone