Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
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The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
This has made my week.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
scared to check what name she chose
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.