I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
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clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.