Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
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“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
yeah 😭
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless